Am I even still a woman?

I recently wrote a post about my life and had mentioned having a child at sixteen. Well for the sake of mother's day and for the simple fact that this is a huge part of my life I thought I would share about the pain I experience on this holiday.
When I was sixteen I became pregnant with my son. It was the second time I had sex and I was on birth control.... Yes I am the poster child for teen pregnancy. I had decided to keep my baby against everyone in my families wishes. My grandmother even offered to buy me a puppy if I got a abortion. I had a beautiful baby boy on December 11 2007. By then my family had turned their fear to support and excitement. He was so beautiful and everybody was in awe of him. My grandmother was my birthing partner and had cheered me on through the whole process. Due to some complications I had to have an emergency C section. But he was still born beautiful and healthy.
The recovery process from the surgery was extremely hard on me. I was grateful to have my grandmothers help and support. My son was not a difficult baby by any means. If anything he was a god sent. He would sleep mostly through the night and only cried if he was hungry or needed a diaper change. He was my whole world and I loved him more than anything. I was unaware of what love actually was until he came into the world.
A few months after he was born my grandmother and I got into a fight. It ended with me moving out with my son. After a few days she called me and offered to take my son for the night so I could get some rest. I was hesitant at first but decided that would be ok for the night. I dropped him off and got a nights rest for the first time in a long time. The next morning I called my grandmother to inform her I would be there to pick him up shortly. She informed me that if I took a step on her property she would have me arrested and that the cops would be waiting for me. She told me that my son was very ill and could have died and that it was my fault. I was in shock. I was sixteen and had no idea what to do. I of course believed her and I felt the most immense amount of shame I had ever felt in my life. I truly hated myself. I called anyone I possibly could to try and figure out what had happened. After a week someone had told me that it was all untrue and that I should go get my son. By then my grandmother had reported my son abandoned and the court convinced that I was an unfit parent and they had granted her custody. I spent years trying to do everything she said to get him back. It was never enough, Four years ago (a week before mother's day) my grandmother had convinced me that my son had health issues and he could not get the proper health care he needed to unless I terminated my rights. Once again I believed her and did the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I sat in that court room and told the judge that I believed that I could not take care of my child and I wanted to terminate my rights.
I have regretted that day every since. I wonder if I will ever heal from this? What will I tell my son when he comes asking me why I didn't want him? Am I even still a woman if I failed at being a mother? When will this pain not be so bad?
I am not as big of a train wreck as I have been on previous mother's days but I do feel that gaping whole in my chest and an immense amount of sadness. I don't think this pain will ever go away and that is ok. I still love my son more than anything on the planet and I will continue to try and walk through this hell with grace and dignity.