Am I even still a woman?

I recently wrote a post about my life and had mentioned having a child at sixteen. Well for the sake of mother's day and for the simple fact that this is a huge part of my life I thought I would share about the pain I experience on this holiday.
When I was sixteen I became pregnant with my son. It was the second time I had sex and I was on birth control.... Yes I am the poster child for teen pregnancy. I had decided to keep my baby against everyone in my families wishes. My grandmother even offered to buy me a puppy if I got a abortion. I had a beautiful baby boy on December 11 2007. By then my family had turned their fear to support and excitement. He was so beautiful and everybody was in awe of him. My grandmother was my birthing partner and had cheered me on through the whole process. Due to some complications I had to have an emergency C section. But he was still born beautiful and healthy.
The recovery process from the surgery was extremely hard on me. I was grateful to have my grandmothers help and support. My son was not a difficult baby by any means. If anything he was a god sent. He would sleep mostly through the night and only cried if he was hungry or needed a diaper change. He was my whole world and I loved him more than anything. I was unaware of what love actually was until he came into the world.
A few months after he was born my grandmother and I got into a fight. It ended with me moving out with my son. After a few days she called me and offered to take my son for the night so I could get some rest. I was hesitant at first but decided that would be ok for the night. I dropped him off and got a nights rest for the first time in a long time. The next morning I called my grandmother to inform her I would be there to pick him up shortly. She informed me that if I took a step on her property she would have me arrested and that the cops would be waiting for me. She told me that my son was very ill and could have died and that it was my fault. I was in shock. I was sixteen and had no idea what to do. I of course believed her and I felt the most immense amount of shame I had ever felt in my life. I truly hated myself. I called anyone I possibly could to try and figure out what had happened. After a week someone had told me that it was all untrue and that I should go get my son. By then my grandmother had reported my son abandoned and the court convinced that I was an unfit parent and they had granted her custody. I spent years trying to do everything she said to get him back. It was never enough, Four years ago (a week before mother's day) my grandmother had convinced me that my son had health issues and he could not get the proper health care he needed to unless I terminated my rights. Once again I believed her and did the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I sat in that court room and told the judge that I believed that I could not take care of my child and I wanted to terminate my rights.
I have regretted that day every since. I wonder if I will ever heal from this? What will I tell my son when he comes asking me why I didn't want him? Am I even still a woman if I failed at being a mother? When will this pain not be so bad?
I am not as big of a train wreck as I have been on previous mother's days but I do feel that gaping whole in my chest and an immense amount of sadness. I don't think this pain will ever go away and that is ok. I still love my son more than anything on the planet and I will continue to try and walk through this hell with grace and dignity.

People Love A Good Come Back Story

I grew up with a father who slept 18 hours a day from being in miserable pain and a mother who would pop in and out of my life between random men. Most in my family thought I was destined to become just like my mother. In and out of jail and a pretty extensive history of lying and stealing. I have to say in my teens I was very close to becoming a spitting image of her. I became a sixteen year old train wreck from hell. When I wasn't sleeping with every man that would bat his eyes at me I was skipping school to get high with anyone that would offer. I gave up at trying to be anything at all. I dropped out of high school and started couch hopping at the age of 17. I didn't have a licence or a diploma or a clue at how to be a human being at all. I blamed everyone else for my actions and attitudes. I truly thought I had been dealt a hand that was unfair and there was no way I could ever escape the hell fire every where.
I was introduced to a group of people at the age of 18 that gave me a big dose of reality. I can't say that they gave me hugs and hot chocolate and told me everything would be ok because they didn't. They gave me a big pile of honesty. They held me to a higher standard and put a boot up my ass. They taught me how to be a decent human being and to care about those around me and how my actions and attitudes effected those that cared about me when I really didn't deserve to be cared about. How they accomplished this seemingly impossible task? They invaded my life! They would show up and make me volunteer for things I didn't give a crap about such as helping strangers move. Or cooking dinner with hyper happy women for a group for once again strangers and nope I wasn't getting paid for any of this. I also was not allowed to expect anything in return or even a thank you.
I can't say that it was always good in this group but they taught me to think of something other than myself. Did you know there were other people in the world other than me? I had no clue! The one thing that they did not teach me was how to love myself in a healthy way. You always hear how you need to learn to love yourself but I had that pegged in the most unhealthy way. I thought that loving myself meant I did whatever I wanted to even if it hurt those around me.
So I started my comeback at age 19. I started with getting my GED. I manged to pass all of the tests the first time around. I got a job at the only place that would hire I 19 year old girl with little work experience and no drivers licence..... McDonald's. Yeah that was a blow to my ego... I promised myself that I would work there for a year and I would get my licence and then find another job. Was it fun? No. Did I hate that job more than anything? Yes! I thought about giving up everyday. I truly could not tell you why I didn't. I managed to do what I set out to do. I got my licence and I worked at a job I hated for a full year. No I didn't just bounce back and my life became magical. I am 25 now and I still realize I have a lot to do. That is one reason I chose to start this blog. Everyone can make a comeback and everybody has control of their attitudes and actions and I have a lot of experience with both. I am not expecting to become this huge deal in the world but if I can help one person out there who is a little lost and finds some hope in my story then I have accomplished what I have set out to do.
This is only the beginning

. I am excited to share my adventure with you.